How Zikir and Istighfar Calmed My Mind: A Personal Journey Back to Allah By S.Sulianah | Grapholistic™ Character Transformation Series

LESSONS ALLAH HAS TAUGHT ME 
"Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest."
(Surah Ar-Ra'd 13:28)

If someone asked me one year ago what my mind looked like, I would probably describe it as a graph with constant sharp spikes.

There was never silence.There was no pauses. There was always something running through my head. I want to do this. I want to achieve that. Why isn't this working? How am I going to solve this? When will Allah answer my doa? What if this happens? What if that doesn't happen?

It felt like my mind never rested. Every few seconds there would be another thought, another plan, another worry, another imaginary conversation. It was as if, if I let myself rest and stopped planning or thinking, I would feel guilty. Like I wasn't being productive. Looking back now, I honestly don't think I realised how noisy my own mind was.

These three graphs in this article are my own conceptual illustration of how I felt my mind changed over the past year. They are not medical brain scans. They simply represent my personal experience explaining to you how it feels like. 

Allah Was the One Who Guided Me

Before I continue, I want to make one important thing very clear. I did not wake up one morning and decide that I wanted to become someone who constantly did zikir. This thought never crossed my mind even once. 

I believed Allah placed it in my heart. Every good that happened afterwards belongs to Him.

Around a year ago, Allah tested me with probably the biggest trial of my life. When it happened, I still remember my first response. I went straight into sujud. 

Looking back, I am so grateful that prostration was my first reaction. Alhamdulillah. If I had reacted differently, I honestly think my emotions could have gone completely haywire. Perhaps I would have allowed fear to take over. Instead, Allah slowly guided me back to His Path.

From that day onwards, I started making zikir every day. I also began waking up for Tahajjud, reciting the Qur'an daily together with its tafsir, and making doa consistently.

I truly believe these daily acts of worship worked together. It wasn't only one practice. They became my daily routine, and gradually they began changing something inside me.

The First Few Months Were Not Easy

Many people think that once you start remembering Allah regularly, everything suddenly becomes peaceful. That wasn't my experience.

During the first three months, I still struggled a lot. Whenever I felt disappointed or negative, I would sometimes stop doing my zikir. I stopped reading the Qur'an. I even stopped asking Allah for anything. I was angry. I was frustrated at myself. Sometimes it took me two or three days before I returned. Afterwards I would always regret it. I remember this happening several times.

There were even moments when I became ungrateful. And it was then that Allah reminded me that syaitan had managed to influence my thoughts and manipulate me into behaving that way. That was also the moment I consciously and verbally declared syaitan as my sworn enemy. From that day onwards, I viewed every negative thought differently.

The Moment I Felt the Gear Change

Somewhere around the third or fourth month, something happened. It wasn't something I could explain scientifically. It was almost like Allah allowed me to become conscious of a very subtle movement inside myself.

It felt like my mind shifted gears.

For the first time in my life, I experienced something I had only heard people describe before.

Tranquility. Sakinah. That quiet minute. 

I honestly thought those feelings didn't really exist. But apparently, they do.

My thoughts became more organised. Instead of everything happening all at once, it felt like they were arranged in layers. Only one thought would come at a time. As for my emotions, I felt that my emotional management had also changed. It became layer by layer too. I don't react the way I used to. Not perfect, but definitely better than before.

And don't get me wrong. I still had worries. I still wondered whether Allah would fulfil my doa. But something had changed. I no longer stayed in those thoughts for very long. I didn't question things as much as I used to.

Every time it happened, I would bring myself back to the present. And if those thoughts came again, I would simply come back to the present again... and again.

Learning Not to Entertain Negative Thoughts

As the months went by, I noticed something else. The negative thoughts still came. Life didn't suddenly become free from tests. The difference was that my mind automatically stopped entertaining those thoughts.

Slowly those negative down moments became less frequent. And my response became different.

One Year Later

Today, after one year, I realised something that surprised me. The words I use when speaking to myself have completely changed.

Whenever worries about money appear, my response is no longer panic. Instead, I find myself saying,

"Chill... Allah will help you like He always does."

Or,

"Allah has already written my provisions. So...why are you even worried?"

Or simply,

"Allah knows better."

Sometimes I don't even need to say those words anymore. It's almost as though the negative thought tries to enter, but cannot stay. I can sense it being blocked.

These days I also find myself talking to Allah throughout the day. If I'm alone, I speak to Him. If I'm outside, I whisper. Sometimes I simply speak through my heart. Allah hears every one of them.

My Intention Also Changed

One of the biggest surprises was discovering that my intention gradually changed. When I first started doing large amounts of istighfar, I was hoping Allah would answer my doa. I think many of us begin there. And that's okay. Keep going. Because something beautiful happens later.

Around the sixth or seventh month, I noticed that I no longer made istighfar only because I wanted my doa answered. I genuinely wanted Allah to purify me. That became my objective.

My relationship with the Qur'an also changed. I wasn't reading because I wanted something. I was reading because I simply wanted to strengthen my connection with Allah.

That shift changed everything.

When Allah Gave Me Relief

If you are wondering whether Allah gave me a chunk of money to resolve the biggest test that started all this... no... not yet.

But looking back now, I realised I was asking Allah to remove the test, while Allah first removed the burden the test had placed on my heart.

Around the sixth month...Allah gave me a solution. It wasn't the solution I had imagined. Yet it removed almost all of the burden I had been carrying. I remember asking Allah to help me solve it as soon as possible because it was consuming my energy and my concentration. It was as if I had become too obsessed with it, and I felt it was draining me into this worldly affair and its problems. So, Allah gave me a temporary solution instead. And it happened immediately too.

Looking back now, I can clearly see Allah was taking care of me all along.

Then something else happened.

Around the ninth or tenth month, I began feeling spiritually "stuck." It was difficult to explain. It felt as though my doa couldn't flow the way they used to.

There was a heaviness in my chest. Almost as if something was blocking me.

During that period, I had also reduced my daily istighfar. I asked Allah what was happening. Not long afterwards, my TikTok feed started showing reminders from several Muslim brothers and sisters encouraging us to recite Surah Al-Baqarah regularly.

So I started.

Subhanallah.

Within only a few days of recitations, that heaviness disappeared. I cannot explain it any other way. From then onwards I continued reciting Surah Al-Baqarah regularly while also continuing my Qur'an reading with tafsir.

Later, I even had the urge to complete the Qur'an in eighteen days before the end of Zulhijjah because I wanted to end the Islamic year in the best way I could.

Soon after that, something unexpected happened.

Books that I had published years earlier suddenly started receiving orders. For years I had tried marketing them internationally without much response. Then, unexpectedly, orders began coming in. Not hundreds. Not thousands. But enough for me to be surprised and wondered what is going on. 

If You're Feeling Lost

If you're reading this because your mind feels overwhelmed, anxious or constantly busy, I completely understand. I've been there. I'm not saying your journey will look exactly like mine. Allah guides every person differently.

But if I may encourage you with one thing, start with istighfar. Even 300 times a day is a good beginning. If you pray five daily prayers, saying Astaghfirullah 33 times after each prayer already brings you to 165. Adding a little more to reach 300 is very achievable. After a few weeks, perhaps increase it to 500. Then continue growing from there.

You may become tired. You may wonder whether anything is happening. Keep going.

Make doa, and also ask Allah to help detach your heart from both the doa and its outcome. Ask Allah to help you not become too attached to worldly affairs. I also noticed that whenever my mind became consumed with worldly matters, the sharp peaks in my "brainwave" seemed like they wanted to return again and bother me.

Also ask Allah to accept your istighfar. Ask Him to forgive every sin from your childhood until today. Ask Him to remove whatever is preventing your doa from being accepted.

And even if your first intention is simply because you want Allah to answer your doa, don't stop.

Keep going with your istighfar. Keep going with your zikir.

You may discover, just as I did, that one day your greatest desire is no longer simply having your prayers answered. Instead, it becomes genuinely wanting to draw closer to Allah Himself.

My Final Thoughts

Looking back at the three graphs, I realised something. The goal was never to eliminate every worry. Life still has tests. Thoughts still come.

The difference is that my heart now knows where to return. My mind still experiences waves. But they are no longer violent. They have become gentle reminders to remember Allah.

If this article encourages even one person to begin remembering Allah more often, then Alhamdulillah.

May Allah grant every one of us a heart that finds peace in His remembrance, purify us through our istighfar, strengthen our connection with the Qur'an, and guide us closer to Him every single day.

Ameen.

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